


Sexytimes With Deadpool (Intro)

by skepwith



Series: Sexytimes With Deadpool [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Masturbation, Multi, PWP, breaking the fourth wall and jizzing all over it, humour (Canadian humor), talking boxes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:47:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6687979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skepwith/pseuds/skepwith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This series is just a buncha stories about yours truly, the Merc with the Mouth, gettin’ it on with various ladies and gentlemen and other people.</p><p>{And by yourself.}</p><p>The greaaaatest looooove of alll…  </p><p>Anywho, don’t bother looking for the plot, ’cause you won’t find it with a microscope. This is all porn, baby! And maybe a little humour. (Yeah, I spelled it with a U. Canadian, remember? Suck it, autocorrect!) </p><p>I’m thinking I need something punchy to end this summary with, like a slogan kinda thing. Hmm. Okay, I got it! How about “Deadpool: The Other White Meat”?</p><p>{… What?}</p><p>[No. Just… no.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexytimes With Deadpool (Intro)

In case the title didn’t clue you in, this series is about my many and varied sexcapades—some of them, anyway. (And if the word “sexcapades” makes you think of Olympic athletes in sparkly costumes, well, you’re not far off.) True, most of my ugly-bumping has been of the solo variety lately, ever since a certain writer with a sadistic sense of irony gave me a perpetually regenerating libido and a face that kills boners quicker than pics of your grandparents having sex, but I still manage to get my freak on now and then.  
  
[“Freak” being the operative word.]  
  
Ignore Whitey, there. What was I saying?  
  
{It’s amazing we ever got laid at all.}  
  
Right! Thanks, Yellow. Sexytimes! Kissing and telling!  
  
Let’s see, there was Vanessa, my girlfriend; my buddy Cable; Shiklah, my demon wife…just to name a few. Even a certain web-slinging superhero whose name rhymes with Snider-Pan, though he’d probably deny it with his dying breath. Yeah, I’ve gotten down and dirty with some real hotties in my time. In fact, just thinking about it now makes me feel kinda horny. ’Scuse me a sec, I’m just gonna… Ah, that’s better.  
  
Yeeeahh, that’s real good. Mmmm…  
  
[Oh God, does he have to do that in front of everyone?]  
  
{Why do you think he’s enjoying it so much?}  
  
Aw, c’mon— _uh!_ —they love it! They wouldn’t be— _ah!_ —reading an E-rated fic if— _hah!_ —they weren’t already a buncha pervs— _uhn!_ And while we’re … on the topic— _fuck!_ —may I say, readers, you are … a mighty fine-looking bunch!  
  
[Especially that one.]  
  
{Hubba hubba!}  
  
_Nnnnhhhhh…_  
  
[There it is.]  
  
Fuuuuck, yeah.  
  
{That was quick.}  
  
Whew! Nothing like a good wank to clean out the old snowblower. Or as my fellow Canadian would say, “Shut up, Wade.”  
  
Logan, now there’s a guy who puts the “fur” in “furious.” Hairiest body I’ve ever seen. Sexy as hell, though. Yeah, that’s right: I once knocked super-boots with the Wolverine. It was epic. We made love on an HBC blanket in front of a roaring fire. Used up ten bottles of grade-A maple syrup. Céline Dion was there.  
  
It’s possible I may have hallucinated the whole thing.  
  
See, that’s what happens, kids, when you let your Uncle Poolie tell you a story. I can’t be sure what’s real, so that means neither can you. I’m what the pipes-and-elbow-patches crowd likes to call an “unreliable narrator.” Welcome to my filthy, filthy mind. Strap in (or on, as the case may be) and enjoy the ride.  


 

  
  
{Wait, you’re just gonna end it there?}  
  
It’s a teaser, to get them to click through to the next part. Jeez, it’s like you never read one of these before!


End file.
